Moving On- Love

Obviously I am already slacking at this blogging thing. I always feel like I have too much or too little to talk about, so I've resolved to just start. Brace yourselves :) 

Tonight, I am reminiscing about my first semester of graduate school. A quote that has stuck with me the last few weeks goes, "In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it." I've been thinking about this a lot so I'm sure this will be a reoccurring topic, but it's time to start. 

The last few months, I have felt unloved on an intimate level. As a result, I've done things that have deeply hurt others and myself. Finally, that glorious breaking point called "rock bottom" was hit. The darkness in my life had to start facing the light, and the painfully anticipated healing has begun. The love and mercy that has been shown to me already has been so humbling and I know that it's only the beginning.

So why did I feel this way? Well, through some self-evaluation (and reading an awesome book- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman), I've discovered that my primary way of showing and receiving love is quality time. Whether it be through having deep conversation, making or picking out a meaningful gift, or just plain ol' spending time in another's presence, I have most quickly connected to other people when the effort is spent by taking precious time out of the day. Since moving west, I had stopped spending quality time with God, with my family, with my boyfriend, and with people whose friendship was more than just a mutual convenience. I was concentrating more on having a good time and cool life experiences and neglecting making enough quality time for those that I love and love me. It's no wonder I wasn't feeling cared about enough on that deeper level. I wasn't taking care of my soul and I sure as heck wasn't letting anyone in to help. Thinking back on it, it sucked. My priorities got mixed up. I wasn't being the honest, true-to-self, decisive person that God gives me the confidence to be when I am walking close to Him.

Since this season of my life has started turning around, the love that has been poured out from God and through other people around me is incredible. God has shown me that I never need to feel unloved, because He is always there- in the way music moves your soul, the amazing perfection found in nature, the tangible feelings in the air at church, the relentlessness and subtle caring from my family. My eyes have been opened and I hope I never take for granted the people that around me that love me, and trust that He will always put people in my life at the proper time to feel His love through them. Everyone goes through hard times and insecurity, but I hope to never feel so despairingly unloved again.

I leave with this verse and a song. I pray that we always remember that "God loves each of us as if there were only one of us" (St. Augustine) and His arms are always open for us to run to Him and rest in that love.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39